and our seas are still!

Exactly one week after my last post Adam was unexpectedly laid off from his job. Initially fear and panic overtook both of us when our news was fresh. Adam came home and the first thing we did was get down on our knees and talk to our Heavenly Father. Our Creator, Sustainer, Provider, Comforter, Healer, Father and Friend proved Himself to us day in and day out while Adam was without a job. We came to know Him in so many new, different and exciting ways. We had never been in a financial position where we truly needed to rely on God so strongly!

Literally from the day Adam was laid off God started proving to us that if he is going to take care of the sparrows oh! how much more he was going to take care of the Congdon family!

He provided for us in small and big ways! Numerous cleaning jobs came my way to help us out, friends graciously brought us food or gift certificates for groceries, he even took our normal 6 month car insurance bill from $1058 and reduced it down to $411!!!!!!

The best encouragement I received was from my dad. When he heard the news he texted me and said, "Weather your storm until your seas are still!" WOW! That helped me countless times. Growing up I heard from my Pastor, "Never doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light!".

There were days when one of us would be "in the dark" but God made sure it was never both of us on the same day or same time.

THAT is MY God!!!!!!

On my wedding day my brother Phil gave a beautiful message on love and salvation and he used the verse from Psalm 34:8 that say "O taste and see that the Lord is good."  And I have to say, I have tasted and seen that my Lord IS good. 

Addie is almost 6 months old.  I have to admit that I did not think that having two little ones was going to be as hard as it is for me.  I have had a rough time adjusting to my new life.  It has taken an emotional and mental toll on me.   I am sure it doesn't help that our new church building is weeks away from completion and with Adam on the building committee and myself helping with our new Equip (Sunday School) hour and getting the cafe up and running our life has been busier than normal.

Every other week I have a wonderful group of friends that meet in our Mops group.  This past week we watched a DVD from Mops that talked about bridging Planet Me and Planet Mom.  In the video Planet Me was life before kids and Planet Mom life after kids.  For me though, while watching the video, Planet Me was life with one child.

I am very schedule oriented.  I work very well with a to-do list and for the most part have good time management.  So, when it was just the three of us I had easily settled into our routine.  Isaac slept 12 hours at a time from 3 months old and was a very easy and happy baby.  I never felt like I needed to adjust to having a child.  I felt like I was made to be a mom and loved every minute of it!  Adam and I had plenty of alone time together and with Adam's involvement in different ministries at church I also had alot of time to myself.  Also, taking one kid with you to go shopping or run errands is easy-peasy!  :)

Then things starting picking up, I started helping out with planning our new Equip hour (to start in the new building) and I started things with the cafe.  THEN my beautiful and precious daughter arrived on July 30th.  My first 2 weeks were awesome.  I felt like being a mom of two was WONDERFUL.  I have to say I was floating on cloud 9.  Then I became pretty sick for a few weeks and then things with the new church building started really getting busy.

I constantly felt like I was taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back.  Addie didn't sleep through the night at 3 months, or 4 months or even 5 months.  Her longest stretch would be maybe 5 hours.  Compared to the 12 I thought she should be sleeping since that was what Isaac did I was devastated.  I was worn out from the constant extreme exhaustion.

I started thinking after a few months that something was wrong with me.  Taking care of my kids was great.  Being my husbands help meet was wonderful.  Managing my house and keeping it tidy was enjoyable.  I even loved everything I was doing for the cafe and Equip.  I even joined Weight Watchers and met my WW goal of my wedding day weight.  Put everything together though and I was miserable!  I was mentally and emotionally run down.   I only have two kids and yes I have a busy life but so does every one else and LOTS of moms have more than 2 kids!  I felt like a wimp.  I didn't understand why I wasn't happy, why I cried so often or would snap so easily at my poor husband.  I felt like I was changing and turning into a woman that I didn't like and knew that God wasn't pleased with.

I would often struggle with thoughts of...Did my husband ever regret marrying me?  Did he wish for his old wife back?  He never EVER gave me that impression.  In fact, quite the opposite, he was always helpful and supportive.  And then that made it even worse when I would resent him for getting a full night of sleep while I got up and out of bed every hour because one of my children was crying.  It got to the point where when he would get out of the shower in the morning and come out to the living room to see me and he would tread cautiously because he didn't know if I would give him a happy and loving good morning or if I would just growl at him.

Then on Friday I watched this Mops DVD.  And it encouraged moms to become a blend of who they were on Planet "Me" and who they are now on Planet "Mom".  I watched the DVD and became very emotional.  It was embarrassing!  I left Mops and called Adam and told him that I would love him to watch the DVD because it put to words so much of what I had been feeling the past 6 months.  Of course my loving husband quickly agreed and that night he made sure we watched it together.  I sobbed this time.  (See what I mean?) and I was able to pour my heart out to him and finally put into words what had been building up inside of me for the past 6 months.  We realized that all I needed to help settle everything was just some "me" time every once in awhile. 

I had had thoughts of that in the past but would feel so guilty and simply push them back down.  Taking time for myself was out of the question.  This was my new job.  This was my new life.  Thankfully though Adam seemed to completely understand and even agree.  A few hours of "me" time one night a week would be inserted into our schedule come February.  (Our new building opens on Feb 7th.) There wasn't anything wrong with me!!  I just wasn't taking care of myself the best way I should have!  Even God rested on the 7th day!  :)  Momma's need their rest too!

I am so thankful for a loving husband who cares about me and helping me be the best mom and wife I can be!

THEN this past Monday I was finally able to let go of a terrible fear I have had for 18 years and lay it at the feet of Jesus. 

When I was 16 my cousin died from leukemia.  From the time he was diagnosed til the time he died was 9 months.   He and I were 4 weeks apart.  He also had a sister.  And she was 2 years younger than me.  I always felt awful that she was left alone with no siblings after he passed away and I suddenly had a terrible terrible fear of having only 2 children and God taking one of them.  My husband always wanted 2 children and I wanted 4 so we "compromised' at 3.  (of course, sometimes God has other plans!)  The past 6 months it has often come up between us as to how many more children do we have?  I have clung ever so tightly to my fear.  In fact, it has compounded and became worse because in my emotional struggles over the past 6 months I often felt like I could not handle having any more physically but emotionally I was terrified to have only two.

I have been praying about this and yesterday during my quiet time with God I was able to finally bring this fear to Him and leave it with Him, placing my trust completely in Him.  I didn't plan for that to happen.  I wasn't even really praying about that fear.  But, a man from my old church passed away on Saturday due to ALS and that same day I found out that another friend of mine had a miscarriage (That was my 3rd friend in a month that I found out had miscarried).  I was sad Saturday and Sunday and Monday morning while I was talking to God I was talking to Him about the pain of losing your loved ones.  I started thinking about how God used that man from my old church through his ALS.  I then started praying for my children and I always pray for their desire to obey, their desire to know God and follow Him all the days of their life and also their character.  I pray that God will use my children for His glory and to impact others for Him.

When, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just sat there.  That man from my church brought God glory through his illness.  He and his family had an amazing testimony from the time he was diagnosed with his disease to even now.  I often pray for my childrens lives to bring glory to God.  I hope that no one reading this misunderstands what I am about to say.  But, I realized that maybe a day will come where my children would bring God more glory in their death and impact more people through that then their life.  Ultimately, it came down to faith and trust that my God will never make a mistake.  I just sat there with the tears streaming down my face.  It took me a very long time to get out the words to God that He would use my children for His glory whether in life or death.  I then told Him he would need to give me the strength to bear it.  And when I was done, my fear was gone.  I felt 100lbs lighter.  I had no idea how much that fear had been controlling me.

Now, make no mistake about it!  I do NOT want God to take my children.  That is not the point here.  I pray that my children far outlive me!  I want to see them grow up and their children grow up and I want to be a part of their life for a long long LONG time!  I am constantly amazed at the love I have for my children and how much that love multiplies on a daily basis.  I am thankful though that I have a God that proves His faithfulness to me time and time again.  He is a God I can love and that I can trust with my life, my husbands life and my childrens lives. 

In the past few days I have had a short burden (life with two kids) and a long burden (My fear of having only 2 children and God taking 1) lifted and I can't tell you how much better I feel.  I feel genuinely and sincerely happy for the first time in 9 months.  It is amazing how something so "little", FAITH, can be so freeing!